The 'Ick' Factor: What It Says About Us (and Whether We Can Overcome It)
For as long as I’ve been dating, I’ve wrestled with the ick — that sudden, unshakable feeling of repulsion towards someone I was previously attracted to. It could be something minor, a small quirk or a particular way they said something, and suddenly, any spark I once felt was completely gone. The worst part? Once I got the ick, I could never move past it. No matter how hard I tried, that person was permanently placed in the “no” category of my brain.
At the time, I didn’t question it. I just accepted it as part of my personality — a gut reaction that, for whatever reason, meant I wasn’t interested. But lately, I’ve started to reflect on whether the ick was less about them and more about me — my past insecurities, my own unrealistic expectations, and perhaps even some internalised biases that I never truly examined.
Where Does the Ick Come From?
The concept of the ick has been around for decades, but pop culture and social media have amplified it in recent years, turning it into a meme-worthy phenomenon. From the way someone holds their fork to the sound of their laugh, no minor offense is too small to be deemed an ick-worthy offense.
Psychologists suggest that the ick isn’t just about superficial turn-offs — it’s often linked to deeper psychological mechanisms. Disgust, for example, is an evolutionary response designed to protect us from harm. But in the context of dating, it can also be a learned reaction, influenced by societal expectations and unconscious biases.
Children don’t experience disgust in the same way adults do — it develops over time as we absorb social cues about what is “acceptable” and what isn’t. So, is the ick really about the other person, or is it about our own ingrained conditioning?
The Ick and the Fear of Intimacy
I’ve come to realise that my past struggles with the ick weren’t just about small, off-putting habits. More often than not, they were a reflection of my own discomfort with intimacy. When I wasn’t in a good place mentally — when I didn’t like myself, when I wasn’t confident in who I was — the smallest thing in a romantic interest could suddenly seem unbearable.
It was easier to label someone as giving me the ick than to acknowledge that I was afraid of letting them in. The reality is, sometimes we get the ick because deep down, we’re not actually ready for real intimacy, so we subconsciously seek out reasons to push people away.
Can We Move Past the Ick?
That’s the real question, isn’t it? Is the ick an unchangeable, irreversible response, or is it something we can work through?
Psychologists argue that while some icks are genuine dealbreakers, others might be exaggerated by our own fears or societal influences. If we’re willing to challenge our initial reactions and sit with our discomfort, we might find that the ick fades.
I haven’t tested this theory yet — I’ve spent so much time avoiding the ick rather than questioning it. But I do wonder: now that I’ve done the work on myself, would I still be as affected by it? Or would I be able to push past the initial reaction and give someone a real chance?
What the Ick Says About Us
The ick is a mirror. It reflects our expectations, our fears, and sometimes, our unfair judgments. It’s easy to dismiss someone over a small quirk, but it’s worth asking: Is this really a dealbreaker, or am I letting something trivial dictate my ability to connect?
As I re-enter the dating world, I don’t know if the ick will still be as powerful as it once was. But I do know that I want to approach dating with more openness, more patience, and a willingness to question my own reactions rather than assuming they are absolute truths.
Maybe love isn’t about avoiding the ick, but about seeing past it. Maybe, what we call the ick is sometimes just the fear of real connection disguised as a gut feeling.